Keep quiet 🤫

I can't talk about it, not to anyone cause simply talking about it won't do any good, it won't change the situation, it won't change my perception towards it, simply useless....

It happened again, for the whatevee number of tines i really lost count....

I thought after frequently repeated in the same way, i would probably get used to it, like it won't bother me anymore, i am ok with it thid time

But to my surprise i was wrong,  it still bugs me, no matter how hard i try to conceal it, it depresses me, makes me in a bad mood with zero energy, it consumes me slowly and i can't do anything about it.....

And what complicates things more is that i can't say anything about it, people don't understand me or they choose not to, not to bother, just say something really insensitive or inconsiderate and get it over with....

I guess i need a break frkm everything and everyone but even that i can't have, as my mind won't just stop thinking and shutdown,  letting me live in peace ........

Not Going To work

 

It's NOT going to work!!! No matter how hard you try to make it happen... Some relationships are not meant to be...

Why?! There a lot of reasons to that questions, maybe only one-sided love, maybe only one partner is trying to make things work, or maybe... You 2 just come from different worlds...

You know sometimes you meet someone and you think they are the one... Just like that, you can finally be yourself with someone who loves you the way you are, not judging, not pointing out your flaws...

When is get really bad they are always there for you, they never want to keeve even if they have every reason to... But sometimes it wont5work because relationships have become too complicated these days. There are about to consider.... It sucks actually, because you hear the words like your just not that cool, you're not from the same social standards, you are not that rich, sometimes you might even feel that your partner is ashamed of you....

So, what you got to do?! It's hard to walk away, but it is even harder and more hurtful to stay and endure all that nonsense......

 

Haunted

 Did it ever happen to you?! That one issue that never leaves you in peace?! you keep thinking of it no matter what?! always on your mind? No matter how hard you try to ignore or let it go, it just comes back again to you?! So, let's have a little talk then....

Years have passed, People said time will heal it, all these wounds will be forgotten, all those tears will turn to smiles, all those sad days will turn into heaven.... But did it happen actually ?!
How come after all these years, although I know all the facts, I know the truth behind it all, I accept the fact that it's over forever... So why does it keep bothering me?!
Is it normal that every time it happens everything comes back to me? And when I try to suppress it, it dominates over my sub-conscious?! Is that even possible? Is it hard for me to be happy for some time? Am I asking for too much ?!
Am feeling numb.... everyone talks about that issue as if am just a lunatic wacko.... Like I have lost my sanity.... like am an abnormal person to keep holding on for all this time...why can't they understand that I can't control it....
Too hard for me to pretend, and I keep it inside of me till it eats me and then...…..
I BREAK DOWN and I weep and everything seems blur In front of me!! And everything around me makes me feel am a stranger, as if I don't belong to this world!!! Is there something wrong with me?! I am only asking for a simple thing....to let it go....to forget....to feel indifferent towards this....am so tired of this dilemma, I appear am in an endless cycle going on and on and on.... Non-stop! it makes me afraid....it makes me frown....it makes me everything am fighting for.... disappointment? depression? acting it out? dreams? reality? being numb?! 
it seems to go endlessly! I just pray God for a way to get out of it!!! And all I can do now is keep the hope!! And wish for the best!!

Out Of Words

 

How are you? it's a basic question that is being asked every single day, hour, minute, second....

But as simple as the answer, I find it really difficult for me to say!!?
How am I?! I feel confused. Should I speak the truth and face the consequences?! Or just lie and let it go? Should I say what I really feel? Or make it up as if everything is ok?!
A drama queen...that's my reputation these days!! Over-exaggerating, looking for misery, boring.... etc.!! you got my point I know!!
But why don't u understand the truth behind this all? You don't bother to listen?! you just take things slightly!!
Those smallest things we call are those who affect us most! A small gesture is enough....
To feel people care about you, love you for who you are....
they say "DON'T COMPARE URSELF TO OTHERS" .......
well u know when things that were supposed to unusual becomes usual?! And turn to become the basics?! when u is the only one deprived of them u feel that there's something wrong with u!
Calling, talking, hanging out, parties, birthdays and all those little things are proof of love, care, friendship....
I know u might think am a lunatic psycho but believe me it bugs me!! and am sure it affects you too!! 
When you feel left out? alone? last priority?! It kills I know how much it hurts....
and no matter how hard you try and hide it, it either eats you from the inside or it makes you always sad and angry!! Then?! The blame is on you for acting so weird!!
People see your reactions and judge them but they don't look at the reason behind them!!
So how are you guys?!

Friendship and communication

 

You didn't call me for 2 days!! I hear that a lot these days...from most of my friends.... the thing that makes me really confused is that I was in a tight corner for about a month or something and no one bothered to ask about me!! I had final exams!! I had no time to sleep or eat or even breathe...and yes I was in a dreadful mood, I couldn't speak to anyone, not even my own family....

So is that my fault now!? is that something to be blamed for?!! why didn't you ask about me people?! there's nothing called " I ask about you every time and you don't " this I not friendship!! it's not about how many times you called or texted...we don't count these things...this is not how things work...
Although I was in the middle of my tests and I asked about others and talked to others, but it appeared that they were too busy to even reply.
" I miss you " I heard that a lot... but I only hear it?! where is those actions which are supposed to prove it?! you miss me, then call, text, ask to meet me and I will do my best to meet you...
I stopped talking or texting or even caring cause  it feels like am begging people to miss me, see me, love me, care about me.....am not their priority anymore and this kills me....
And no matter how many times you try to make the understand how you feel and how it affects you , they just keep on doing it, and when you finally let go of them
they come back feeling so mad at you and it's your fault in the end....
I no longer speak what's inside of me...sometimes because it's useless, other times because it will hurt you....
I know every one's weakness and I am capable of saying certain words that will hurt them so badly, but I shut up!! why?! cause I am not that bitch.....but does anyone appreciate  it?!! NO!!
internet and the various applications were meant for helping us communicate...not to draw us apart!!!

Replicates

 

Replicates?!!! What a weird title don't you think?!

well I guess so but once you read it, you'll surely get my point!! So, let's have some chat, shall we?! You know they say that it's impossible to find all people the same.... not in the looks of course, but I mean in the character. I don't make sense I know, so let me demonstrate an example....
**"FRIENDS"!!!!!!
So you meet some people, either you like them or not...then you share some info with them, then you might get close to some of theme, until you -"supposing"-find that one that is what we call your " soul-mate"...Your best-friend is another word to describe it actually...You share your life together, with everything in it. happiness, sadness, joy, tears, funny situations, secrets.... etc.
Well I guess that what the "BOOK" says am right?! But what truly happens???
let me tell you my problem.... -lifelong problem-.... I meet someone, I like of course I am talking about both sexes. then we become close, best friends as we say and things work out great...and everything follows the friendship rules.... Then SUDDENLY everything changes, thy start distancing themselves, less talking, less interaction then.... FAREWELL PAL!!
And to me they are all the same you know, every time I meet someone new, I tell myself, this time is going to be different.... but does it?! NEVER!!!
You know here's the thing, I hate losing people, no matter what relationship bonds us.... I just hate it, I feel that am the most hated person you know, why do they leave me?! Is it me? or am just having some bad luck? I admit I have my flaws and I make mistakes.... But who doesn't?? we are humans not saints.... That’s replicates...they all follow the same path.... The same steps EVERY SINGLE TIME!!
And what do I get from all of this?! A broken heart, disappointments!! How do anyone ask me after that to trust someone? to share secrets? to open my heart to somebody hen I know that finally am going to be betrayed? or dumped?! they are all CATS!! where is love? where's loyalty? where's FRIENDSHIP?!! am I living in a whole different world?! Am I a stranger?! And it hearts every time even much more than the one before...It's like it's a scar or more like an unhealed wound and every time being scratched and scrapped again and again and again....
Am I lunatic? or let me say a DRAMA-QUEEN as most people describe me?! Sadly, people don't understand what I have been or still going through. neither do they respect the fact that am so strong to fight all these conditions and circumstances and move away all the obstacles that face me! Am a human being and I have my sad, happy moments?! why do they always focus on those times when am overwhelmed and agonized?! They don't remember those days when I stood beside them when they were in shit!! And when I was happy and laughing and having fun!! I mean you want to speak up when you're sad not when you're happy ?! happiness can be shown in various ways but sadness?! crying? am sick of it actually!! I need to talk to somebody and need that “somebody" to understand me !!!
But oh come on who am I kidding!? a DOG might be more understanding than you people!!
Replicates, all are nothing but replicates!!!!!

The awaken

 

It's been a long time since I last wrote a post.... It was like I kept dormant for so long....I tried to keep it inside of me all this whole time.... but now came the time when I can't take it anymore...I need to expel it all out...and since no one understands how I really feel then my only resort is to write it down...hopefully, someone will read and even understand so little of what am passing through right now....

From now on the posts am going to write will be related. They are all about one main huge topic...
They are all about " FRIENDSHIP"....
So from where should I start?!!
I am used to be alone.... even when a lot of people around me...I know tons of people but when it comes to friendship.... NONE!!
What is friendship?! what does it mean?! I don't know actually I never felt it....and every time I meet someone and I start to feel that I might have a friend of a lifetime or what people say intimate!!! it turns out to be the same tragedy as the one before.
some people noticed that I have become so cold lately.... like I no longer show my feelings towards them whether love, care, hatred, envy. Etc 
well this is true I no longer am capable of expressing those feelings...Why?! Cause its weakness...
I used to show love, care, compassion, sympathy all these feelings and what did I get in return?!! 
betrayal, trust, hatred, gossip, every shit you can imagine...so why bother myself?! I don't love anymore ...to humans mainly...I show my love to animals at least they can feel and interact with me way better than humans can!!
Call me crazy, psychic I don't give a damn...I appear in front of everyone as am mad of steel and nothing can break me but the ugly truth is am on nothing but broken pieces of glass glued together and causing massive pain and agony...
No one knows me, cause no one even bother to do so...
and they blame me in the end....how am I supposed to give when I don't get anything in return?!! 
to feel that I am worth nothing in someone's life....I have had enough...and I am really so sick of trying to hide it all inside of me!! it eats me from inside!! but what to do!!! the best thing is to fake it...or each and every day you are going to have a fight with someone...
This weird tendency to cry every single second....and a normal thing that seems senseless to most people can cause me to shed my tears...I cry for silly things now....and am being very emotional and I hate it...it feels so weak...and not knowing what to do is making it way worse!!
well hope words could change  things but sadly they don't!!
So I guess it's enough for now...and wait for my next posts people we are going to cover up a lot of aspects concerning friendship and related topics