Not Going To work

 

It's NOT going to work!!! No matter how hard you try to make it happen... Some relationships are not meant to be...

Why?! There a lot of reasons to that questions, maybe only one-sided love, maybe only one partner is trying to make things work, or maybe... You 2 just come from different worlds...

You know sometimes you meet someone and you think they are the one... Just like that, you can finally be yourself with someone who loves you the way you are, not judging, not pointing out your flaws...

When is get really bad they are always there for you, they never want to keeve even if they have every reason to... But sometimes it wont5work because relationships have become too complicated these days. There are about to consider.... It sucks actually, because you hear the words like your just not that cool, you're not from the same social standards, you are not that rich, sometimes you might even feel that your partner is ashamed of you....

So, what you got to do?! It's hard to walk away, but it is even harder and more hurtful to stay and endure all that nonsense......

 

Haunted

 Did it ever happen to you?! That one issue that never leaves you in peace?! you keep thinking of it no matter what?! always on your mind? No matter how hard you try to ignore or let it go, it just comes back again to you?! So, let's have a little talk then....

Years have passed, People said time will heal it, all these wounds will be forgotten, all those tears will turn to smiles, all those sad days will turn into heaven.... But did it happen actually ?!
How come after all these years, although I know all the facts, I know the truth behind it all, I accept the fact that it's over forever... So why does it keep bothering me?!
Is it normal that every time it happens everything comes back to me? And when I try to suppress it, it dominates over my sub-conscious?! Is that even possible? Is it hard for me to be happy for some time? Am I asking for too much ?!
Am feeling numb.... everyone talks about that issue as if am just a lunatic wacko.... Like I have lost my sanity.... like am an abnormal person to keep holding on for all this time...why can't they understand that I can't control it....
Too hard for me to pretend, and I keep it inside of me till it eats me and then...…..
I BREAK DOWN and I weep and everything seems blur In front of me!! And everything around me makes me feel am a stranger, as if I don't belong to this world!!! Is there something wrong with me?! I am only asking for a simple thing....to let it go....to forget....to feel indifferent towards this....am so tired of this dilemma, I appear am in an endless cycle going on and on and on.... Non-stop! it makes me afraid....it makes me frown....it makes me everything am fighting for.... disappointment? depression? acting it out? dreams? reality? being numb?! 
it seems to go endlessly! I just pray God for a way to get out of it!!! And all I can do now is keep the hope!! And wish for the best!!

Out Of Words

 

How are you? it's a basic question that is being asked every single day, hour, minute, second....

But as simple as the answer, I find it really difficult for me to say!!?
How am I?! I feel confused. Should I speak the truth and face the consequences?! Or just lie and let it go? Should I say what I really feel? Or make it up as if everything is ok?!
A drama queen...that's my reputation these days!! Over-exaggerating, looking for misery, boring.... etc.!! you got my point I know!!
But why don't u understand the truth behind this all? You don't bother to listen?! you just take things slightly!!
Those smallest things we call are those who affect us most! A small gesture is enough....
To feel people care about you, love you for who you are....
they say "DON'T COMPARE URSELF TO OTHERS" .......
well u know when things that were supposed to unusual becomes usual?! And turn to become the basics?! when u is the only one deprived of them u feel that there's something wrong with u!
Calling, talking, hanging out, parties, birthdays and all those little things are proof of love, care, friendship....
I know u might think am a lunatic psycho but believe me it bugs me!! and am sure it affects you too!! 
When you feel left out? alone? last priority?! It kills I know how much it hurts....
and no matter how hard you try and hide it, it either eats you from the inside or it makes you always sad and angry!! Then?! The blame is on you for acting so weird!!
People see your reactions and judge them but they don't look at the reason behind them!!
So how are you guys?!

Friendship and communication

 

You didn't call me for 2 days!! I hear that a lot these days...from most of my friends.... the thing that makes me really confused is that I was in a tight corner for about a month or something and no one bothered to ask about me!! I had final exams!! I had no time to sleep or eat or even breathe...and yes I was in a dreadful mood, I couldn't speak to anyone, not even my own family....

So is that my fault now!? is that something to be blamed for?!! why didn't you ask about me people?! there's nothing called " I ask about you every time and you don't " this I not friendship!! it's not about how many times you called or texted...we don't count these things...this is not how things work...
Although I was in the middle of my tests and I asked about others and talked to others, but it appeared that they were too busy to even reply.
" I miss you " I heard that a lot... but I only hear it?! where is those actions which are supposed to prove it?! you miss me, then call, text, ask to meet me and I will do my best to meet you...
I stopped talking or texting or even caring cause  it feels like am begging people to miss me, see me, love me, care about me.....am not their priority anymore and this kills me....
And no matter how many times you try to make the understand how you feel and how it affects you , they just keep on doing it, and when you finally let go of them
they come back feeling so mad at you and it's your fault in the end....
I no longer speak what's inside of me...sometimes because it's useless, other times because it will hurt you....
I know every one's weakness and I am capable of saying certain words that will hurt them so badly, but I shut up!! why?! cause I am not that bitch.....but does anyone appreciate  it?!! NO!!
internet and the various applications were meant for helping us communicate...not to draw us apart!!!

Replicates

 

Replicates?!!! What a weird title don't you think?!

well I guess so but once you read it, you'll surely get my point!! So, let's have some chat, shall we?! You know they say that it's impossible to find all people the same.... not in the looks of course, but I mean in the character. I don't make sense I know, so let me demonstrate an example....
**"FRIENDS"!!!!!!
So you meet some people, either you like them or not...then you share some info with them, then you might get close to some of theme, until you -"supposing"-find that one that is what we call your " soul-mate"...Your best-friend is another word to describe it actually...You share your life together, with everything in it. happiness, sadness, joy, tears, funny situations, secrets.... etc.
Well I guess that what the "BOOK" says am right?! But what truly happens???
let me tell you my problem.... -lifelong problem-.... I meet someone, I like of course I am talking about both sexes. then we become close, best friends as we say and things work out great...and everything follows the friendship rules.... Then SUDDENLY everything changes, thy start distancing themselves, less talking, less interaction then.... FAREWELL PAL!!
And to me they are all the same you know, every time I meet someone new, I tell myself, this time is going to be different.... but does it?! NEVER!!!
You know here's the thing, I hate losing people, no matter what relationship bonds us.... I just hate it, I feel that am the most hated person you know, why do they leave me?! Is it me? or am just having some bad luck? I admit I have my flaws and I make mistakes.... But who doesn't?? we are humans not saints.... That’s replicates...they all follow the same path.... The same steps EVERY SINGLE TIME!!
And what do I get from all of this?! A broken heart, disappointments!! How do anyone ask me after that to trust someone? to share secrets? to open my heart to somebody hen I know that finally am going to be betrayed? or dumped?! they are all CATS!! where is love? where's loyalty? where's FRIENDSHIP?!! am I living in a whole different world?! Am I a stranger?! And it hearts every time even much more than the one before...It's like it's a scar or more like an unhealed wound and every time being scratched and scrapped again and again and again....
Am I lunatic? or let me say a DRAMA-QUEEN as most people describe me?! Sadly, people don't understand what I have been or still going through. neither do they respect the fact that am so strong to fight all these conditions and circumstances and move away all the obstacles that face me! Am a human being and I have my sad, happy moments?! why do they always focus on those times when am overwhelmed and agonized?! They don't remember those days when I stood beside them when they were in shit!! And when I was happy and laughing and having fun!! I mean you want to speak up when you're sad not when you're happy ?! happiness can be shown in various ways but sadness?! crying? am sick of it actually!! I need to talk to somebody and need that “somebody" to understand me !!!
But oh come on who am I kidding!? a DOG might be more understanding than you people!!
Replicates, all are nothing but replicates!!!!!

The awaken

 

It's been a long time since I last wrote a post.... It was like I kept dormant for so long....I tried to keep it inside of me all this whole time.... but now came the time when I can't take it anymore...I need to expel it all out...and since no one understands how I really feel then my only resort is to write it down...hopefully, someone will read and even understand so little of what am passing through right now....

From now on the posts am going to write will be related. They are all about one main huge topic...
They are all about " FRIENDSHIP"....
So from where should I start?!!
I am used to be alone.... even when a lot of people around me...I know tons of people but when it comes to friendship.... NONE!!
What is friendship?! what does it mean?! I don't know actually I never felt it....and every time I meet someone and I start to feel that I might have a friend of a lifetime or what people say intimate!!! it turns out to be the same tragedy as the one before.
some people noticed that I have become so cold lately.... like I no longer show my feelings towards them whether love, care, hatred, envy. Etc 
well this is true I no longer am capable of expressing those feelings...Why?! Cause its weakness...
I used to show love, care, compassion, sympathy all these feelings and what did I get in return?!! 
betrayal, trust, hatred, gossip, every shit you can imagine...so why bother myself?! I don't love anymore ...to humans mainly...I show my love to animals at least they can feel and interact with me way better than humans can!!
Call me crazy, psychic I don't give a damn...I appear in front of everyone as am mad of steel and nothing can break me but the ugly truth is am on nothing but broken pieces of glass glued together and causing massive pain and agony...
No one knows me, cause no one even bother to do so...
and they blame me in the end....how am I supposed to give when I don't get anything in return?!! 
to feel that I am worth nothing in someone's life....I have had enough...and I am really so sick of trying to hide it all inside of me!! it eats me from inside!! but what to do!!! the best thing is to fake it...or each and every day you are going to have a fight with someone...
This weird tendency to cry every single second....and a normal thing that seems senseless to most people can cause me to shed my tears...I cry for silly things now....and am being very emotional and I hate it...it feels so weak...and not knowing what to do is making it way worse!!
well hope words could change  things but sadly they don't!!
So I guess it's enough for now...and wait for my next posts people we are going to cover up a lot of aspects concerning friendship and related topics

The Sad Truth

 After years being abroad, he decided to travel back to his hometown.... there he saw her again after years have passed. She looked at him but had no reactions om her face, she didn’t know whether she should be happy or sad, slap him or hug him, be calm or furious, a lot of emotions were there but the face was as solid as rock!! As if there was no life in it....so he decided to go and talk to her with this charming smile and this adorable look. 

He: hey how are u?! I missed u so much, it has been years since we talked!! 

She: yes, years u knows ...welcome home.

he: thank u I am so glad I came back and am lucky that u was the first one I see after my arrival

she: hmmm well good then.

he: what’s wrong?! U seem troubled by seeing me?! Didn’t u miss me?! 

Those words were the spark that set off a huge volcano that he never thought will explode.

she: miss u?! Does it even matter anymore?! U left without saying goodbye

I knew from outsiders that u was traveling, I tried to reach you but u was so cold, u forgot me, let me go and lived urn life happily ever after leaving me aching all these years, trying to forget you, wonder whose fault was it for all what happened!! I miss u?! Yes, I missed u, and I always will but yet what does this change?! U see me today, u say some lovely heart-breaking words probably heard them in a show or sth then u will elk away, u will hang out with urn friends and family which I am neither of them, and u will never contact ne and if I try to reach u, well we all know u will make me regret it as usual!!! So, what’s the use of all that?! What do words do?! Yes, I loved u and yea I still have feelings for u which I cannot control and yes, I wish I could go back in time but to correct a mistake.... the mistake of knowing u

u turned my life upside down, u gave me everything and then suddenly I lost it all, u made me fly so high then left me to fall into the deepest hole!! I hate you; I hate everything u made me turn into and I hate myself for being so stupid to love you or trust u... so save all those words because they will only make things worse!! And have mercy on me just go away and let me forget u, let me live a normal life again, let me succeed in forgetting you!! Enough!! It’s like u are pulling me with a rope and u can grab me close to u or throw me away!! Just last thing I want to say is.... 

I truly loved u, and I thank u for those tiny moments that can still me memories that I can remember and smile!!!!!! 

 

The Vortex

 So, from where do I start?! what am I supposed to say? or let's rephrase this to how am I supposed to express how I feel? it's just getting too hard these days, all I can do is either to shut up, be talkative with a fake smile, or just cry myself to sleep !!

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me?! why did it affect so much this time?! I tried to be really cautious, really not to get emotionally involved. Yet I guess that this is something that happens spontaneously and we can't just control. So what now?! I am full of a "VORTEX of EMOTIONS “. so hard to express what am I feeling right now?! I am just feeling that o have a tight chest. Like there is a huge weight over my heart, making it so difficult to breathe. 
And when they ask me what's wrong with you, I either say am fine, or I start talking and all I get are valueless words. I don't even feel their empathy, as if they don't care. And all the things they say, they just don’t heal the pain. They never understand how hard it is to conceal it and keep it all inside of me, I can’t take it anymore. 
I am just a human being, I appear so strong, so emotionless, so heartless, but inside of me I am just a hurricane of contradicting emotions and thoughts. why don't I have the right to be sad? to moor? to feel alone? to feel empty? to cry?  
I believe in fate, and I believe that sometimes God takes away things we want the most because they are not good for us, And I thank God for every situation I am in, either good or bad. But it just makes me sad, it makes me feel hurt, it makes me feel lost. 
people don't understand, they tell me move on and forget about it. I do!! I conceal it and just fake a smile. I move on and live my life. But what remains inside of me?! Pain, Rage, Agony....I no longer can trust or love anyone anymore. I don't feel people's love or sympathy. I don't believe anyone anymore....
So where will I go from that point then? when will it get better?! 
The wounds will heal, but the scars will always remain, and every time u get heart the scar gets bigger and bigger until it just fills your heart and eats your soul.... In the end you will feel empty!!! In the end you will you will just be a living dead..............

Everything's gonna be FINE.....

 

"Everything is going to be fine".... I often hear those words and all what comes to mind that they are just sweet little lies.
Eventually nothing seems fine, or even better than it was.
Things tend to take a slope towards the worse. I don't know if it is just me or this happens to everyone.
"keep your chins up" ...."keep your spirit high"...."just be optimistic" 
All these quotes seem useless to me. They don't change reality. 
I tried to believe that things can get better by time, but they just fall apart more and more.
You reach a point when you can't believe that it will be fine again. Like you are falling into your doom with no way to get out. 
And you just keep wondering what should you do?! Should you give up?
Should you try to make things better?
Should you change who you are?
Is it you the problem? Or just life became so silly?!
And you keep thinking nonstop about everything happening around you
Will this end?! OR you are entrapped in this vicious circle forever?!
NO answer!! 

Stay Away

 

" she didn't know what to do.... She always hurt those who she cared about the most .... unintentionally she was just too aloof and too cold.... But it wasn't her fault.... There was a lot going on with her which she couldn't explain and no 1 bothered to understand.... that’s why she never wanted to get too close to people because it ends badly in the end...she was too hard to love and seemed unapproachable.... but she did that cause she was just too afraid....
Afraid to get hurt... To lose them.... To end tragically that it surprisingly ended that way...  So, in the end she decided for her sake and the sake of people she cares about to build a wall around herself... Not a brick wall but a wall of steel and concrete.... impenetrable
And she chose to suffer on her own "

Don't Wake me up

 

Haven't it ever occurred to you?! 
To feel that you need to sleep for long long time?!  not wanting to wake up?!  
Have u ever felt tired all the time?!  Overwhelmed?!  But though u might sleep for eternity it will not resolve this tiredness and fatigue?! 
Of course, you had this phenomenon at least once in your life...
It is a sort of escapism actually and a very good one most of the times...
U run away from everything that is troubling you.... Everything that's on your mind
That if u could actually turn off your mind... You see the problem here is even though u sleep to escape reality you still think and think while you are asleep
Of course this does not happen you everybody 
Only to unfortunate people who are incapable of shutting their brains... 
Then let's take it from another angle, u can sleep for a long time yet your subconscious will shape dreams according to your fears, desires, all the thing you want to neglect...
The human brain is a wicked thing actually....in case of severe depression or anxiety or whatever uncomfortable condition it will just find a twisted way around it all to get you out of it... 
Some of these ways are fake hopes,  daydreaming,  uncontrolled laughter and lunacy or anger.... 
I can't actually summarize it all but I am sure you understand my point....
Other ways of escapism re listening to music, playing sports, distracting yourself by keeping it busy... A lot and a lot of ways
But no matter what sleep will remain a great way to just shut everything out and escape the world.... Get away from everyone and everything which irritates you.... but sadly, the underlying cause will just remain eating you from the inside